Okay, somewhat complicated entry....
Dec. 12th, 2003 04:07 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
clo_again... involving quizzes and fic and stuff. So let me try and get this right first time.
And since![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
mercury32 posted her half, I suppose it's only fair to post mine. Warning: Bible slash. If that offends you then please don't read.
Sympathy of the Devil
(companion to ‘Sympathy for the Devil’ bymercury32)
Spoilers: The New Testament
Dedication: For Mercury
()
I know why he did it. I’d probably have done the same myself in his position. I never meant it to go that far but then I suppose he never meant to make me so jealous either. The trouble with God is he always sees the good in a person, never the bad. It’s as though he has no concept of hate or jealousy and that infuriates me to the point of…. well, trying to conquer Heaven itself. You don’t get much more infuriated than that.
I couldn’t tell you for certain where my anger and jealousy sprang from but I can make a pretty good guess. Angels were the first race, those modelled after Almighty God himself and as such we were supposed to be above simple human emotions such as excitement or love. Oh we loved true but in a general sense. We loved the beauty of a frozen waterfall in the same way we loved a newborn baby. There was no concept of differentiation between things. It was enough that we loved the world in its entirety. I wonder now, looking upwards, did God’s feelings never grow beyond that love and does therein lie all ours problems? Could He not understand my reaction to him loving me in the same way he loved a wisp of cloud painted golden by sunset? I loved him more than anything and once you begin to break rules, you can’t stop – jealously was just a simple step from love. Once I believed He loved me more than anyone, than anything, than the world itself but it was jealously that drove me to do what I did.
Something like shame weighs down my spirit every time I think of it. Trying to conquer Heaven! My audacity still amazes me, even now. But heavier still than the shame is the look on my love’s face when I last saw him. The divine has no concept of deception so his true feelings showed through and the hurt I saw there still stabs through my soul to this day. That is if I even have a soul anymore though I think I must have because his betrayal hurts just as much as it did then.
An heir! I remember my rage when he confessed his plan. I said something scathing along the lines of him not understanding the word ‘immortal’. There is no need for an heir when you will live forever. Forever. Such a small word for such a colossal length of time and back then I knew in my heart and soul I would spend it in Heaven, in love, happy. Never let anyone ever tell you the Devil makes good prophecies. I certainly couldn’t have been more wrong that time and the moment when He told me of Mary the first seeds of doubt crystallized. No one could love someone as much as He said he loved me and still have an heir by someone else. Humans try it all the time but we were divine and our love was already breaking unspoken angelic rules. To break more spelled disaster. He didn’t understand when I protested. He said humans needed proof, that blind faith was failing. I needed him to love me exclusively. Looking at the world today I reflect that neither of us achieved what we wanted.
Immortality can be a lonely prospect when you’re alone.
Did He love Mary? The question bemuses me now, though back then I was convinced she had replaced me in his affections. She was just a woman, insignificant, small, though no doubt now she holds one of the highest chairs Above. The thought is painful and I flinch from it, turning back to my silent question. Of course God loved Mary. He loves all things. But the woman who bore him a son…. He must have some special feeling for her. I cried bitter tears in the months that led up to the birth and He never noticed. I tried everything. I screamed, I fought and finally I gave him blind, unquestioning obedience. Less and less I saw of him and after millennia together the separation tore me to pieces. The first time I spoke to Michael in a heartbroken rage about conquering Heaven he looked at me with such disbelief and shock that I should have dismissed the notion there and then. I should have known better. I should have.
I didn’t.
There was never a hope of me winning, I see that now. I was disorganized, angry, almost powerless. I succeeded in my aim to get the attention of my God and nothing more. No, that’s not true. I succeeded in being thrown from Heaven. Lucifer, first and last angel to love his God so completely, and first and last angel to anger that same God enough to be exiled. I suppose I made a superb example. Break the rules and you will fall. Never mind that I was the one hurting. Never mind I was the one alone while my love abandoned me for a frail human woman and a squalling baby. I was the guilty party. I was the evil one. I was cast into the pits of Hell and there I stayed, forever the exile, forever alone.
Forever. Such a small word.
I thought He loved me enough to understand my reasons. I never thought He would go as far as to throw me away like a broken toy. Looking back now I know He needed to make me an example or else be accused of favouritism and a flawed God is an easily conquered one, but back then rage at the betrayal blinded my judgement for years. Only now, when lonely millennia have passed, can I look back and know it must have hurt Him as much as it hurt me. He deserves sympathy. The sympathy of the devil should not be given lightly, but if anyone deserves it He does.
Perhaps sympathy is the first step towards forgiveness.
Seeing people use icons I've made never gets old. :-D
THREE DAY WEEKEND! Look out for more short stories, although non-fic this time. I need to finish them and decide which one to send to Lancaster.
Off to talk to Merc and make more icons now. Love, peace and jelly babies!
Clo
P.S. Merc, this song is utterly Jack/Will. *blissful smile*
And since
mercury32 posted her half, I suppose it's only fair to post mine. Warning: Bible slash. If that offends you then please don't read.Sympathy of the Devil
(companion to ‘Sympathy for the Devil’ by
mercury32)Spoilers: The New Testament
Dedication: For Mercury
()
I know why he did it. I’d probably have done the same myself in his position. I never meant it to go that far but then I suppose he never meant to make me so jealous either. The trouble with God is he always sees the good in a person, never the bad. It’s as though he has no concept of hate or jealousy and that infuriates me to the point of…. well, trying to conquer Heaven itself. You don’t get much more infuriated than that.
I couldn’t tell you for certain where my anger and jealousy sprang from but I can make a pretty good guess. Angels were the first race, those modelled after Almighty God himself and as such we were supposed to be above simple human emotions such as excitement or love. Oh we loved true but in a general sense. We loved the beauty of a frozen waterfall in the same way we loved a newborn baby. There was no concept of differentiation between things. It was enough that we loved the world in its entirety. I wonder now, looking upwards, did God’s feelings never grow beyond that love and does therein lie all ours problems? Could He not understand my reaction to him loving me in the same way he loved a wisp of cloud painted golden by sunset? I loved him more than anything and once you begin to break rules, you can’t stop – jealously was just a simple step from love. Once I believed He loved me more than anyone, than anything, than the world itself but it was jealously that drove me to do what I did.
Something like shame weighs down my spirit every time I think of it. Trying to conquer Heaven! My audacity still amazes me, even now. But heavier still than the shame is the look on my love’s face when I last saw him. The divine has no concept of deception so his true feelings showed through and the hurt I saw there still stabs through my soul to this day. That is if I even have a soul anymore though I think I must have because his betrayal hurts just as much as it did then.
An heir! I remember my rage when he confessed his plan. I said something scathing along the lines of him not understanding the word ‘immortal’. There is no need for an heir when you will live forever. Forever. Such a small word for such a colossal length of time and back then I knew in my heart and soul I would spend it in Heaven, in love, happy. Never let anyone ever tell you the Devil makes good prophecies. I certainly couldn’t have been more wrong that time and the moment when He told me of Mary the first seeds of doubt crystallized. No one could love someone as much as He said he loved me and still have an heir by someone else. Humans try it all the time but we were divine and our love was already breaking unspoken angelic rules. To break more spelled disaster. He didn’t understand when I protested. He said humans needed proof, that blind faith was failing. I needed him to love me exclusively. Looking at the world today I reflect that neither of us achieved what we wanted.
Immortality can be a lonely prospect when you’re alone.
Did He love Mary? The question bemuses me now, though back then I was convinced she had replaced me in his affections. She was just a woman, insignificant, small, though no doubt now she holds one of the highest chairs Above. The thought is painful and I flinch from it, turning back to my silent question. Of course God loved Mary. He loves all things. But the woman who bore him a son…. He must have some special feeling for her. I cried bitter tears in the months that led up to the birth and He never noticed. I tried everything. I screamed, I fought and finally I gave him blind, unquestioning obedience. Less and less I saw of him and after millennia together the separation tore me to pieces. The first time I spoke to Michael in a heartbroken rage about conquering Heaven he looked at me with such disbelief and shock that I should have dismissed the notion there and then. I should have known better. I should have.
I didn’t.
There was never a hope of me winning, I see that now. I was disorganized, angry, almost powerless. I succeeded in my aim to get the attention of my God and nothing more. No, that’s not true. I succeeded in being thrown from Heaven. Lucifer, first and last angel to love his God so completely, and first and last angel to anger that same God enough to be exiled. I suppose I made a superb example. Break the rules and you will fall. Never mind that I was the one hurting. Never mind I was the one alone while my love abandoned me for a frail human woman and a squalling baby. I was the guilty party. I was the evil one. I was cast into the pits of Hell and there I stayed, forever the exile, forever alone.
Forever. Such a small word.
I thought He loved me enough to understand my reasons. I never thought He would go as far as to throw me away like a broken toy. Looking back now I know He needed to make me an example or else be accused of favouritism and a flawed God is an easily conquered one, but back then rage at the betrayal blinded my judgement for years. Only now, when lonely millennia have passed, can I look back and know it must have hurt Him as much as it hurt me. He deserves sympathy. The sympathy of the devil should not be given lightly, but if anyone deserves it He does.
Perhaps sympathy is the first step towards forgiveness.
Seeing people use icons I've made never gets old. :-D
THREE DAY WEEKEND! Look out for more short stories, although non-fic this time. I need to finish them and decide which one to send to Lancaster.
Off to talk to Merc and make more icons now. Love, peace and jelly babies!
Clo
P.S. Merc, this song is utterly Jack/Will. *blissful smile*
